I am a Failure

It's taken me a few days to screw up the courage to write this. It's not often the word 'failure' enters my vernacular-especially when the words 'I am a...' proceed it.  But, as this blog is about my life here in London-the good and the bad-it's only fair I post about the bad too.

This past Saturday was to be THE run.  The run that I've been training for since January.  The run that has been the catalyst for me loosing 13 pounds.  The run that I've commented on a few times on this blog.  The run that has well & truly sucked a good portion of my free time the past 3 months.

The run that I couldn't complete because my knees would let me.

Blast.

Two weeks ago, I ran 28.8k.  Well technically, I ran 27k and hobbled 1.8k.  My knees simply said f-you. We're done.  The mind was willing, as was the body from the knees up.  But the knees themselves weren't so willing!  That really made me nervous, so I tried to take the next two weeks easy-fewer runs, shorter distances, lots o' anti-inflammatory drugs.  The whole lot.

So, when this past Saturday came, I knew there was a pretty good chance that my knees would say f-you again.  But, I had a plan:  If I can at least make it to the 30k mark, I'll hobble the last 12k even if it takes me until the gym closes (effectively meaning it would take me 8 hours to complete THE run-2.5 hours longer than my target time).  Alas, my knees first started protesting at the 7k mark, and by the 14k mark when I took my first break, I knew I was in trouble.  I didn't know what to do, and perhaps more importantly than completing the run in any level of respectable time, I was concerned that continuing would cause damage.

At the 21k mark I threw in the proverbial towel.  Intellectually, I know it was the right thing to do.   Emotionally, I'm still feeling grumpy about it-and though 21k is nothing to sniff at, it's still only half of what I set out to do.  Training had gone so well for me for the past 3 months-I was genuinely surprised at how well my body seemed to respond to the effort, and as the weeks passed, I felt more and more confident at what I was trying to accomplish.  The longer runs were hard, but I really enjoyed them-and past a point was truly looking forward to THE run. And on some level, more importantly, I was looking forward to enjoying the feeling of completing such a daunting task.

Sigh.  Well, there's always next year.

Ow My Feet

I've spent the better part of January and February running.  A lot.  And, I'm not even done yet.  I don't think I fully appreciated just how *much* running I'd be doing when I decided to commit to doing a marathon.  Well...let me tel you:  it's a lot. :)  Up until this week, I've run short distances on Tuesdays and Thursdays, and Saturdays have been 'big run' days (22.4k is the longest to date, but that will change this Saturday...).  Starting this weekend, I'll also add a short Sunday run to the mix as well.

What is most surprising about this experience however is what/how/where the impact has been.  The three largest impacts that I have seen from all of this (freaking) running are:  my health, my feet, and my time.

My health-not surprisingly-has improved. I've already commented on my blog about the weight loss (yea!), but what I'm even more surprised about is the complete change in how I *think* about food.  I still like food, don't get me wrong, but when I'm eating now, I'm constantly thinking about whether or not this bite of food is going to make me 'better, faster, stronger.'  Meal planning-especially on Fridays (before my Saturday big runs) starts occupying my mind by Wednesday, and I'm always obsessed with how much protein I can consume on Saturday breakfast before the run.  I'm not trying to preach-heck, I ate 5 mini-cupcakes this weekend, and I still drink a few pints during the week-but, the mental shift in how I think about food has been a real surprise.  I wonder if it will continue once I'm done with the marathon-part of me hopes not.  Part of me hopes so-it's a bit exhausting to always be thinking about your food in that way. :)

My feet.  My poor, poor, poor feet.  I'd take a picture and post it on the blog, but my blog would probably be pulled down for the graphic images!  Literally, my blisters have blisters.  It goes without saying, but Saturday runs are the worst.  The damage I'm doing to my feet can't be good-fortunately, as I loose weight, I'm putting less stress on them as I run, but it would be great if I could drop 20 pounds before this Saturday's run!  And, of course, in an effort to stave off new blisters or attend to the ones I have, I'm spending about £10 a week on blister pads, padded band aids, foot inserts, athletic tape...yeesh.  I finally sucked it up and bought a new pairs of shoes on Monday.  My 'cheap' fixes aren't working, and as much as it pained me to plonk down £98 for a pair of running shoes, I figure that if they work, I'll make the money back simply by not having to spend the £10 a week!  Though the Saturday runs are generally difficult, I have found that it's really my feet that make them the most difficult:  I'm fine from the ankles up.  The ankles down are a completely different story..

My time.  Door to door, my Saturday runs going forward will likely take 4-5 hours.  And, I'm at the gym by 9am.  With a 25-ish minute travel time to get there and a need to digest breakfast before I leave, I'm up earlier on Saturdays than I am during the week!  Add to this another 90 minutes of effort on Tuesdays/Thursdays (fortunately, I'm now using the company gym-which is a 2 minute walk from my desk), plus 'foot maintenance' time before every run, and we're talking about a good amount of time taken up during the week.  Once I add Sunday runs to the mix, and starting next week, I need to increase the distance (and time spent...) on my Tuesday/Thursday runs, I'm easily looking at 10 hours a week of going to run/preparing t run/running.  Whew.  I don't think I fully appreciated the time I'd give up when I committed to this!

I know it must sound like one long whine, and that's not my intent at all.  I am genuinely enjoying the training/effort-and certainly some of the results.  But, these have been the prevalent themes for several weeks now, and I just wanted to get it all down before I'm done!

Catching Up

Confession:  I have been crap about updating the blog lately.  I could try the ‘I’ve been busy’ excuse, but in truth, that always sounds a bit crap-we’re all busy.  Regardless of my lame excuses, it’s time to get to updating.  Oh, where to begin…

Marathon Training

In my post In the Public Domain, I proclaimed that I was going to run a marathon in short order.  Well, I’m happy to report that I am still well on target to do this.  I’ve been spending a loooot of time running lately (more on this in a moment)-dare I say ‘training’ for the marathon.  I’m at the halfway point more or less in my quest to run the marathon before the wedding.  It’s been hard-no one wants to get up at 8am on a Saturday, shovel food in-not because I’m hungry, but because I need the energy, trek to the gym and slog away for 3 hours in a 20k run.  But, by golly, I’m doing it.  And (shhh-don’t tell anyone), am thoroughly enjoying it.  Don’t get me wrong:  the 22.4k run this past Saturday hurt-and I do fear the eventual 42k/26.2m run-, but I am *loving* the physical gains I am seeing both in terms of my run times improving and the literal physical gains I am seeing on my body.  I’ve shed about 8 pounds in the past 5 weeks, and hope to lose another 10 more before the actual ‘big run’.  If for no other reason than I need to be lighter for my poor feet! J  They’re in a constant state of ache, and my big Saturday run days are utterly destroying them: my blisters have blisters.  If I’m lighter, than this will ease the problem.  I hope.  It had better, or I’m in trouble! 

Though, the flip side of this is…if I do lose another 10 pounds, my wedding dress is officially going to be too big for me (it’s already getting a bit loose-fortunately, with a sash tie around the waist, I can get away with a bit of weight loss).  But, as we’re really hoping to do this wedding on a budget-and I was able to buy the dress off the rack & it fit perfectly, I’m really hoping to not have to suck it up and get alterations.  Damned if I do.  Damned if I don’t.

Speaking of weddings…

Wedding Planning

As of today, we’re 72 days out until the wedding.  Yikes!  Seriously, where has the time gone? I remember when it was ‘9 months out’  then ‘6 months out’, now suddenly we’re 2 monts out!

We’re in a bit of a holding pattern now, as we need all of the RSVPs to plan for things that involve headcount-though the RSVPs are really starting to flow in now.  I think we’re both starting to get excited at the prospect not only of ‘the wedding’ but also of ‘marriage.’  Everything has become ‘the last time we do this as an unmarried couple.’  This past Christmas was ‘our last Christmas before I become Simon’s wife.’  Valentine’s Day was ‘our last V-day before the wedding.’  Sick, I know.

The planning/to-do list items have actually gone better than I ever anticipated (more on this in a moment…).  I realize I’m probably setting myself up for some serious stress by saying this, but I recall so many girlfriends stressing over their weddings when it was still several months out, and that just hasn’t happened to me yet.  Though, on some level, it makes me think I’m missing something huge-that would be stressing me out.  And, that thougt does stress me out a bit.   Go figure…

Don’t get me wrong:  I’m sure that the 7-10 days before the wedding will be a completely different story alogether, but I am at least enjoying a bit less stress now than I thought would be the case!

Which brings me to my last update…

Gardening Leave/New Job

I’ve changed jobs.  I started a new job this past week (yea!), and it’s been an interesting process to get here-largely because I’ve been on what is termed ‘gardening leave’ since November.  Gardening Leave is effectively paid time off.  With traditional notice periods in the UK frequently from 90 days to 6 months, it’s not uncommon for someone to serve notice, and then at a point in their notice period for the employer to put the employee on Gardening Leave.  I for one cannot complain-and as it gave me time to train for a marathon, plan a wedding, tick off a whole bunch of other things on my to-do list-not to mention find another job, it was really a good time.

It was fun while it lasted, and I’ll probably never have another opportunity like that again, so I’m a bit sad to see all the free time go, but in truth, if there’s one thing that Gardening Leave taught me:  I would make a bad ‘lady that lunches!’

In the Public Domain

I've often thought that if I say something outloud to others-in the sense of commit to something-I'll do it. ie I'll have witnesses to my claim, and therefore have to do it. :)

So, it's time to put up.  I've had a goal for several years now of running a marathon by the time I turned 40.  Mind you, I'm not a long distance runner now; in fact, the furthest distance I've ever run has been a 10k-1/4 of a marathon...This was done last year, in preparation of running the goal marathon.  See-being the scardey cat that I am, I have been working up to running a marathon for 3 years now!  Three years ago, I ran my first 5k (after never being able to run more than 2k, and after recoveirng from knee surgery). Two years ago, I ran an 8k. Last year, 10k.  This year was supposed to be the year of the half-marathon-20k.  And, then next year was to be 30k, and the following year, my last year in my 30s, was to be 40k-a marathon.

Well, I've been thinking lately that I'm simply postponing what is hopefully the inevitible, and if I continue to 'prepare', I may just psych myself out of being able to do it. SO HERE IT IS:

I'm going to run that half marathon by the end of the year (never mind that my gym attendence the past year has been horrible...), and I WILL run that marathon before my wedding day next year. 

So, that gives me until April 30, 2011 to do this.  And really, as I'll be heading to the US the week before the wedding, it really gives me until April 22.  And, as I don't really want to be hobbling on the plane as I head to the US, my plan is to run 40k by April 16th.  If anything, this will be good wedding-fitness preparation, right?  Right?...

There you go.  It's out there in the public domain now.  If I decide not to do it now, I'll have to publicly 'fess up, and I'm not one to do that.  No pressure.

Oh, and did I mention that I don't run anywhere but on a treadmill?  I'll run this entire marathon at my local gym.   Should be fun. :)  And painful.  ok.  Now, I'm nervous.